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Usma Admissions Essay Sample

 

This is the time of year when my former students drop me emails letting me know where they have been accepted for the fall.

I love hearing from them, and am emboldened by how many land in their dream schools.

And I usually ask if I can share their essays with future students.

In my opinion, there’s no better way to learn how to write your own than by reading sample college application essays.

Are you just starting this dreaded process?

If you’re a high school junior, you are wise to start thinking about your essay.

At least start learning what makes a great college application essay and brainstorming your own ideas.

By reading sample college application essays, you can see the type of “slice-of-life” essays that usually start with anecdotes to power their pieces.

Notice the everyday topics and the less formal style of these essays.

Below are two terrific essays by students who just sent me emails this last month letting me know where they are heading this fall.

Believe it or not, they were where you are now one year ago, stressing about their college application essays and wondering whether they could find that special topic and write an effective essay.

Both these students were very focused in their college searches, and put in the time and energy to brainstorm great topics and work on their rough drafts. And it shows.

 

 

They also trusted my advice to share a story in their college application essays.

Instead of writing about impressive achievements and accomplishments, they stuck with simple, everyday experiences to illustrate their personal qualities.

Above all, they got personal.

If you do the same, you, too, will be receiving acceptance letters from amazing colleges and universities about this same time next year.

Here are two sample college application essays from former students from last year.

The first was written by Hannah Metzler, who got accepted to 13 of the 14 college and universities she applied to (including University of Pittsburgh and Loyola University of Maryland), and is excited to be attending the University of Scranton next year to study neuroscience.

The second was written by Andrew Aldaz, who received a full 4-year ROTC scholarship to UCLA, USC, and UCI, along with an appointment to the United States Military Academy at West Point. He is thrilled to be headed to West Point.

Two Sample Essay College Application Essays:

The Party
By: Hannah Metzler
Exton, PA
(Submitted for The Common Application)

 

While bringing out the orders for my party of six, I set down a cup of soup in front of one of the women. Virginia glanced down at the clam chowder, and then scowled up at me.

“Hannah, I asked for a half cup of soup,” she said, sounding as if the world was ending. “You are always so slow. I don’t know how you always mess up our orders.”

I politely mumbled an apology, hoping the rest of her group did not notice how upset I was or how personally I took her comment. It was only a cup of soup, and an honest mistake, but I felt like such a disaster.

Residents at the high-end senior living facility where I waited tables several nights a week expected nothing less than a five-star dining experience and my small mistake was not to be tolerated.

When I first started working at Shannondell last summer, I was already shy and couldn’t stand the idea that someone didn’t like me. Early on, when residents would scold or criticize me, I felt like crawling under a rock. Even when I clearly was in the right, I would bite my lip and try harder to please them.

The most difficult guests by far were a group of six well-heeled women who the servers nicknamed “The Party.” They came in every night, dressed to the nines, decked with diamonds and attitude. As the staff stood by the podium waiting for residents to arrive, every server in line prayed that the hostess would not call out their name.

At first, “The Party” seemed friendly. They seemed to want to get to know me personally, compared to the other residents who would barely say anything at all. But this was all for show. They were rude and demanding. Special orders were a daily occurrence: a rare end piece of prime rib or a chicken Caesar salad without lettuce. They snapped their fingers and tapped their silverware on glasses to get my attention. I would leave the dining room distraught almost every night.

Senior residents, in general, had a difficult time making a decision, either figuring out what to order or sometimes forgetting what they had ordered once it arrived. I used to get annoyed because twenty minutes to take a dessert order seemed excessive and unnecessary. With experience, though, I’m learning patience and compassion.

It must be very difficult for residents to feel as though they were losing their independence. They used to be able to get around easily, but many of them were pushing walkers or confined to wheelchairs. I realized that many cared for others their whole lives and now it was hard to accept others caring for them.

Somehow those rough nights started to change me. Without really trying, I have become more outgoing and self-assured. The residents depend on me and my “confident” smile. Some days, I’m the one person with whom they can share stories of their past. I used to have trouble speaking in front of a group and would be shy when I did. Now, I have no problem walking up to a table of fourteen people and making conversation as if I had known them my whole life.

I give credit to “The Party” for putting me in a situation where I had no choice but to smile and carry on. I know now that not everyone will like me, and that’s okay. I’ve learned that, while I will always treat people with respect and dignity, their behavior toward me may be more about their own personal circumstances rather than anything I have done. Today, when I see “The Party” being seated in my section, I still flinch a little inside, but then I pull back my shoulders, lift my chin and march up to them ask, “What’s it going to be today, ladies.”

 

Proud to Be Humble
By Andrew Aldaz
Rancho Cucamonga, CA
(personal statement essay for University of California)

 

During a Gestalt-type exercise in my psychology class, it was my turn on the infamous hot seat. After sitting in the chair in the center of the room, my teacher and peers started firing away with questions.

“What is your GPA?”

“What do you do for fun?”
“ What do you want to do after high school?”
“What did you do this past summer?”

I responded to each question with simple, straightforward answers, thinking it was a breeze.

Then I had heard someone shout from the back of the room, “So you think you’re perfect?”

I was puzzled. I felt blood rush to my face and I broke into a sweat. The second it took for me to respond felt like an eternity.

“Of course not,” I replied.

Thoughts raced through my mind as I returned to my seat.

“Why would anyone be under the impression that I was perfect or that I would ever see myself as such?” I thought to myself.

The last thing I wanted was for someone to think that I was full of myself. I was mortified. I realized later that I had come off as somewhat egotistical or self-centered because I had shared my long list of extra-curricular activities, academic performance, and hopes for the future. Even though I knew this was not at all the case, I felt ashamed.

Humility was the quality within myself that I cherished the most. I understood that I may have accomplished a great deal and maintain high goals for my future, but I did not want to be seen as boastful or overly proud in any way. Ever! That day, on the hot seat, I knew that I would need to work harder to exude those qualities of meekness and servility which I strive for.

Every year since I was five years old, my father had taken me to the annual air show in Mirimar, California. The first time I attended the air show I had seen service members of different branches; in each of them I had seen one thing that will be carried on with me for the rest of my life. Humility. These men and women, deemed heroes by society, sought no recognition for their sacrifice and willingness to serve.

Attending these air shows not only pushed me to be humble and serve my nation as these men and women had, but also helped me realize there were plenty of other devoted service members within our society, such as policemen, firemen, and politicians. In high school, I also had seen this numerous times with the judges and lawyers I interacted with as I helped struggling teens in Youth Court, and when I befriended those involved in state politics while I interned for Senator Mike Morrell.

The truth is I’ve been extremely lucky, but I have jumped at every opportunity that has been available to me. Whether taking college courses, working in state politics, or playing for a sports team in a winning season, this should not make me any better than anyone else. I just wish to be as successful as possible while serving my nation to the best of my abilities and staying humble in all that I do, no matter where life may take me. While I can’t help but aim for perfection in all that I do, I hope to maintain that glorious face of humble pride.

* * * * *

What Did You Think of These Sample College Application Essays?

Did you like them?

Yes?

Well, that’s most likely what the admissions officers felt as well. And what you want to emulate in your own essay.

Like Hannah and Andrew, trust your real-life stories!

By sharing a small moment or incident from their past, each student went on to develop their essay to give a sense of who they are, how they think and feel, and what they value.

This is exactly what you want to do with your essay to connect with the college admissions officers, and make a meaningful and memorable impression.

Everything you need to learn how to write your own narrative style essay is in this blog.

If you want to learn about my proven writing methods in a more digestible package, check out my writing guides and online course.

You can read 50 real-life sample college application essays in my collection, called Heavenly Essays.

Good luck, and congratulations on getting an early start!

 

Check Out These Related Posts!

Former LEAP test prep student and high school valedictorian, Taylor England, is our guest blogger on her journey to get an appointment to West Point.

The best advice I can give about getting into a service academy is to start early and continually seek opportunities to build relationships.

As soon as you become interested in a military academy the first step is to reach out to the local representative from the school (each district has one for each service academy). This representative will be the key that unlocks many doors in your future. The earlier you do this, the better the representative will be able to advise you on how to enhance your application.

During the junior year of high school apply to a summer camp, each service academy has one. Students typically apply by the end of January. The importance of doing that application the day it becomes open cannot be stressed enough. I applied at midnight as soon as it became available, and my representative was alerted. This showed my passion for going to a service academy. The summer camp experience not only helps your application, but it also gives you a good feel of the campus and how things run at that service academy. I would also encourage you to go to more than just one camp. I went to both the Naval Academy’s and West Point’s camp which aided me in choosing my first-choice.  Don’t be fooled. These camps are just as much an evaluation of you, as you of the school. During the week, the Cadre will be taking notes for evaluation of you; just be yourself, and it will all work out.

Back to doing everything early: the application for the actual service academies will come out at the end of May/early June as you finish your junior year. Another good thing about going to the summer camp is your application will be available earlier than the average applicant. Once again I stress the quicker you get all of the requirements done for your application, it can greatly influence your success in the process. Representatives have to wait for you to finish at least 75% of your application process before they can even interview you; it is in your best interest to just sit down and crank it all out.

Writing essays in the summer is not what you want to do, but most of the essays will be able to be used more than once. I wrote the first essay for my West Point application and was able to chop it up and move things around and use it for the Naval Academy’s application. Each essay is around 500 to 1000 words, so not too terrible.

Along with the application to the school, you must also receive a nomination from a congressman, senator, Vice President, or President. You can only get the presidential nomination if one of your parents served in the military. Each congressman or senator has their own application and timeline for when it is due, so be on the lookout. Also apply to each nomination possible. Apply to both senators, the congressman, and the Vice President as it it can only help your chances. After you send in your application, it will be reviewed and you will get a call IF you make it to the interview portion.

In the interview you’ll be questioned about your morals, your activities, your thoughts, why you want to serve, and random questions (one of my questions was what was the last book I read?). You will find out if you got the nomination around Christmas time of your senior year. After you receive your nomination, you must then wait to get accepted by the school. When the school accepts you, they will call and inform you of your appointment to the service academy. Waiting for that call can take months; the first call to go out will be in January and the last call they will make can be the day before you are supposed to report.

What looks good on an application? There are three parts of the application: physical, academics, and leadership. The physical part is assessed by the candidate fitness assessment (CFA) and consists of pull-ups, sit-ups, push-ups, a basketball throw, a shuttle run, and a one mile run. Different service academies stress certain events in their application process. This test is standard across any service academy. The physical part is also assessed by how many sports you participate in, varsity letters achieved, and awards earned in any of them. If you are on travel teams or select teams, make sure you list these too. Just get involved and excel at the sports you are passionate about. The academies are looking for athletes. The physical part is weighted as roughly 10% of your overall application.

The next part of the application is academics, carrying the heaviest weight (the weight of academics differs between service academy). Your ACT/SAT scores, GPA, rigor of course load, and academic awards achieved are all considered. I can only speak from experience academically, but the average GPAs and test scores are posted on websites. I believe the average ACT score is around a 30 for each academy. Most of the academies super score: so take the test as many times as needed to get the best score possible. I got a 34 in science and reading, a 33 in math, and a 29 in English. It has been said that most service academies weigh math and English most heavily. West Point told me that I should retest to get my English score up. You will be pushed to retest; if it can enhance your application, do it! The next part of the academic portion is your GPA and difficult level of classes. If you have over a 4.0 and you are taking easy classes, they will want to know why you didn’t challenge yourself. On that note, make sure you are finding the right balance. Take as many AP classes and IB classes as you can without letting your grades suffer. However, the service academies would rather you challenge yourself and get a B+ then to not challenge yourself. Keep this in mind when all of your friends are scheduling really easy senior years. Class rank also has an effect, but the service academy will take into consideration the type of school you go to and the number of people that go there. If your school says they don’t rank, you should know that deep in their system they do, and it can only help to find this out. So find out who knows it and get it. I don’t really know the average GPA and class rank, but I would say that top 10% and at least a 3.8 would be a good ballpark, if not higher. They also want to see academic accolades, such as national honor society, national merit scholar, best student in a certain subject, etc. Make sure not to slack off your senior year, because your grades are monitored.

The last piece of the puzzle is the leadership portion, which includes all the leadership positions you hold but also the activities in which you participate. Strive to be in as much as possible. Take on leadership positions such as captain, student body president, committee chair in a club, having a job, or leading a community service project. The service academies really like to see a lot of community service, especially if you lead a project. Become involved in a breadth of clubs, don’t just be in one type of club. Student council, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, and church organizations are common clubs sought. Also, there is a program called Boy’s State/Girl’s State run by each state’s government. It is an opportunity to play a part in the leadership of the state; the typical opportunity is to be appointed junior year. Your school should be able to send two students to the program. This looks excellent on your application. Some admissions officers will tell you to go to this program over going to their summer program. Therefore, seek how your school nominates its students.

Overall, the process of getting into a service academy is long and painful….I’m not going to lie. You can ease the pain by getting started early and always striving to enhance your application. It is also important to ask questions along the way; ask your representative or people who already go to an academy. They will know what admissions is looking for. A service academy is an amazing opportunity to serve your country! GO ARMY, BEAT NAVY.

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